My Story

Growing up in the ’70s with two older brothers, it was obvious that there were different expectations for girls. Being assertive was bossy, being loud wasn’t lady-like and demonstrating that I was good at something was showing off. Not so for my brothers, who were standing up for themselves, just being boys and admirably and acceptably confident. 

Those early years sowed the seeds of my rebelliousness. The paradox was that these different standards began to dent my sense of self and place in the world. 

After completing an IT degree, I spent 33 years in Management Consulting. I progressed from technical developer to project manager and ultimately to leading transformational change programmes with budgets over £100m. I worked for Deloitte, Ernst and Young and became a Director at Capgemini. An impressive client list included Lloyds Banking Group, John Lewis, Deutsche Asset Management and Royal Bank of Scotland. It sounds dynamic, exciting and rewarding and in many ways, it was. But those gender differences were absolutely alive and thriving in the corporate world - it was still different for girls!

There is a stereotypical view of what a leader should look like: competitive, assertive, directive, outspoken, leveraging their network and relentlessly promoting themselves! There are also double standards for women: criticised if they don’t meet the stereotype and disliked if they do.

We walk a tightrope trying to balance being “man” enough to do the job and feminine enough to stay likeable. 

In the process, many women lose sight of themselves; they don’t know which thoughts and behaviours are the real “me”. 

That was me. 

I put huge effort into second guessing what was expected and worrying about what people thought. It was relentless. The stress meant I often moved seamlessly from passive people pleasing into overbearing control. Never letting the real me out was exhausting. I was drowning in self doubt, terrified of failure and striving to be perfect. All this held me back from taking the steps to become the CEO everyone expected me to be.

Looking back I can see that if I’d had a coach, they’d have encouraged me to own my strengths, stop worrying about what everyone else thought and let go of a mountain of limiting beliefs.

Then maybe I would have reached the pinnacle of corporate success.

Decades of this behaviour took a massive toll on my physical and mental health. In 2019, feeling lost and burned out, I had a heart attack. What a wake up call. It became the catalyst I desperately needed to rediscover my rebelliousness and change my life.