Navigating Difficult Relationships at Work
Without blaming yourself, people pleasing, putting up with bad behaviour or losing your shit!
Are you struggling with your current boss, going through a complicated relationship with a client, or even thinking about refusing a new role or assignment because you’re worried about working for someone you find challenging? We've all been there, and given the unique nature of the workplace for women, we can often end up over-blaming ourselves, putting up with bad behaviour, and second-guessing the other person to avoid conflict.
Recently one of my clients (let's call her Lisa) was considering passing over a promotion because she didn't know how to deal with her new boss. Two days after our 90-minute coaching session she sent me this text message:
"our session yesterday was supremely helpful. I feel 100kgs lighter and have renewed energy for my role and love for my work and colleagues. Thank you!"
Let's look at what changed for her during our session and how we can draw out some key lessons you can use to improve your relationships at work.
Meet Lisa
Lisa and I have been working together for a few months. She came to me after a series of job moves from company to company, with the time between moves getting shorter and shorter. She felt like she had lost her mojo, her zest for her work (and life) and had a sense of treading water, if not back-pedalling, in her career. We quickly identified some thought and behavioural patterns that weren't helpful, including lots of self-doubt about her ability, skills and judgement. This led to Lisa constantly trying to prove herself by producing "perfect" results, working excessive hours and always seeking reassurance and affirmation from her seniors. All this pressure on herself meant that after periods of people pleasing and failing to speak up for what she believed, Lisa would sometimes move to domineering aggression in the blink of an eye.
Lisa does a great job, people enjoy working for her, and she gets results. However, these limiting beliefs and increasingly frequent behavioural outbursts damaged her, hence her feeling the need to keep moving roles.
We have made significant progress on all of the above. Lisa is starting to reap the rewards: greater self-awareness and compassion and an ability to consciously choose her reaction to situations.
The Dilemma
Last week she came to me with a dilemma. She had been offered a big promotion but was concerned about working for an aggressive and micro-managing boss. On several occasions, the individual had jumped down Lisa's throat when she expressed an opinion, challenged her publicly on a range of topics, and was generally rude and unpleasant. Lisa wanted the promotion to a job she had coveted for a long time but wasn't sure she could work for this particular boss.
We started the conversation by recognising that sometimes things are too much of a stretch, and it is not weakness or failure if we decide not to do them. When making decisions like this then finding compassion and kindness for ourselves is vital. This triggered in Lisa a recognition that as an introvert, she often avoids big social events because she finds them too draining and doesn't enjoy them. She prefers smaller, more intimate gatherings with friends and also protects herself by making sure she has time alone afterwards to rest and recover her energy.
Let’s get Practical
I used Lisa's insight as a starting point. What practical strategies could she use with her boss to protect herself? We discussed several, and she agreed to experiment with things like having scheduled meetings with structured agendas, sending out papers in advance to make sure there were no surprises, limiting face-to-face time in favour of Zoom when sensible, making sure she had "me-time" for creating calm and space for reflection before and after meetings, and even taking a walk outdoors to clear her mind. These strategies were a sensible foundation to allow her to approach interactions with her boss from a place of inner strength and preparedness.
What are you making it mean?
Building on those practical foundations, we then explored what meaning Lisa gave to a hostile or aggressive reaction from her boss. Under stress, we find it much harder to recognise our limiting beliefs and give more credence to our negative thoughts. When faced with an angry or critical boss, Lisa's first instinct was that she was inadequate or had done something wrong. Left unchallenged, this thought often spiralled into thinking she didn't deserve the promotion, wasn't going to cope with the additional challenge and should just resign and go back to her previous role. This often led to her apologising, holding back her views and agreeing with whatever her boss demanded.
I reminded Lisa of some of our previous work, where she learned to recognise the untruth in these limiting beliefs and to see them as perhaps coming from that part of the brain that wants to keep us safe with the familiar (her old job). We embarked on a powerful reframing exercise, emphasising that her promotion was rooted in her success to date and her future potential. The company expected someone of her seniority to have a unique voice and opinions. That differing viewpoints can lead to creative and innovative solutions, and by trying to "people please", Lisa was depriving the company of her considerable experience and powerful perspective. Not only that, it didn't feel good to silence her ideas; much of the excitement of her promotion was based on wanting to bring some fresh thinking and try out her own innovative solutions. Lisa began to realise the importance of embracing her autonomy, finding her voice, and authentically expressing her views.
Other people’s behaviour is on them
That led us to dig deeper into Lisa's fear of being on the receiving end of her boss's verbal attacks. She described feeling humiliated, upset and angry but also fearful that she might be at risk of losing her job. Lisa needed to realise that she couldn't control her boss's behaviour or reactions and she wasn’t responsible for how they showed up.
However, that didn’t mean she had to accept aggression, rudeness or any kind of bad behaviour directed at her, no matter how senior the individual involved. We discussed how Lisa could politely and firmly establish boundaries that protected her well-being. It would take courage, but requesting a respectful and constructive environment, asking not to be shouted at and proposing reconvening a meeting if such behaviour persisted all felt possible to Lisa and reinforced her commitment to self-preservation and maintaining her voice.
Bringing it all together
We concluded by summarising the learnings from the session:
As a first step, experiment with some practical and simple actions to help cope better with a problematic relationship, including limiting and structuring time together
Step back from the situation and look at what you are making it mean. Reframe this meaning to come from a positive place rather than from old limiting beliefs
Don't take responsibility for someone else’s behaviour – it's on them
Firmly and politely set boundaries that protect you within the relationship
Lisa left our session visibly calmer and determined to succeed in her new role, including doing everything directly within her control to reset the relationship with her boss.
If you find yourself grappling with difficult relationships at work then please reach out. I can help you. Together, we can help you navigate your corporate world with confidence, resilience, and authenticity, ensuring your voice is heard and your potential realised.